Okay, let’s face it. Pretty much all of us have cell phones, we like to use them, and a lot of times, we simply don’t care what the people around us think of our cell phone usage. Fair enough, but don’t be surprised when you get dirty looks from everyone around you for not following the most basic cell phone etiquette rule that pretty much every decent human being should.
First, and most importantly, understand that everyone in the world does not want to hear your cell phone conversations. I’ll let you take a few minutes to pause, breathe, and take that in. Has it sunk in? People really, truly do not want to listen to you babble about what some lady’s thighs looked like at the gym, or the hot dude you met at a bar last night. It’s understandable that there are some calls that are so important, you absolutely should take them in public, and you can speak as loudly as you want. They’re called “emergencies” and usually involve things like your wife going into labor or your office burning down. If it is not a call of that magnitude, feel free to excuse yourself to take the call, or switch to the very quiet text message format that almost every phone offers.
Here’s the thing: most people do not even realize how loudly they are speaking into a cell phone. This is especially true if they can’t hear the person on the other end of the phone well. Like magic, everyone on a cell phone seems to turn into a 1920s old cooter with a horn in his ear, saying, “Wha? Speak up, sonny!” It’s almost amazing to behold. Someone can be having a perfectly sane, quiet, and relaxed conversation in a quiet room, but the second the phone rings, they literally transform into a screeching weasel. You can even see their nose elongate and grow whiskers, 82.4% of the time, if you look closely. Luckily, the transformation only lasts the duration of the call, but you have no idea how long some people can talk on their phones!
Because the number of people screaming into their cell phones is ever on the rise, it is close to reaching epidemic proportions in the United States and the world over. While many celebrity activists such as Bono and Thom Yorke have done their parts to try and raise awareness about the serious nature of cell phone screaming, many people still do not listen. So do your part today: simply excuse yourself from a room to have a conversation, and stop screaming. I know it seems like a sacrifice, but it really isn’t and you are an important part in the war on cell phone screaming.